Post-Partum Depression

This post makes me feel vulnerable but recently someone shared a fantastic phrase with me: 

"Recover loudly so that others don't continue to suffer silently." 

I completely agree with this because when you hear that others are going through something similar, it makes it easier. I believe one of Satan's greatest tools is making us feel isolated and alone. It has taken me some time to share this because it takes having something behind you to be able to see the big picture. After Luca was born, I struggled for a long time with post-partum depression. Every appointment that I filled out the post-partum depression "quiz", I would fail it. Our amazing pediatrician called me at home after one of our appointments to check in on me. (Dr. Katie Pegram-Premier Medical Group-she's the best!) It was recommended that I take anti-depressants, and I refused to take them. I had my reasons, but looking back, I believe I could have saved myself a lot of difficulty if I had decided to take them or gotten more help. 

Depression was a mountain that I just couldn't get over on my own. Trying to tackle it on my own was like deciding to climb the very steepest side of the mountain. As I climbed, I skinned my knees and continued to fall. I bloodied my knuckles as I grasped for the next rock to hold onto. Sweat dripped, tears ran down my face, I screamed, I cried. Fortunately, I made it to the top. But when I looked down the other side of the mountain, I saw a winding, gradual staircase. Yes, I made it to the top, but I think if I had gotten help and decided to take anti-depressants or go talk to a therapist, I could have climbed the staircase. It still would have been a mountain and it still would have been difficult, but so much easier.

I did make some good choices to TAKE CARE OF MYSELF. I tried my best to eat good, nutritious food, rest, do something enjoyable, SLEEP, take a shower. I felt a lot of pressure (from myself) to run again. Running has always lifted my mood when I'm feeling down or out of sorts. Running releases all those "feel good" chemicals in your brain. It also gives my introvert self time alone to organize my thoughts, be present in my surroundings, and listen to God. I also have a pretty huge goal of running a marathon and it felt very far away when I was not running at all. It took me a really long time to start feeling better. As I started getting more sleep and was able to workout and then run again, my thoughts became less jumbled and I finally feel like post-partum depression is behind me. 

I've been running again for several months now and I'm not saying this is the only way for God to speak, but he sure seems to speak to me through running. Possibly it is the quiet, alone space with him where I can hear him best. I want to share some things he has been teaching me in the interest of recovering loudly, so that others don't have to suffer silently. 

As I battled post-partum depression, I continued to just try to power through it. This might sound stupid, but it's real easy to convince yourself that you can just power through. For one thing, I was really happy sometimes. I was really happy for long stretches of time. This is confusing and makes you think you aren't really depressed. The truth is that you can be happy and still have post-partum depression. 

Lie #1: If I was really depressed I would feel bad all the time. 

I also am very bad about comparing myself to others. I thought that because my situation wasn't as bad as other people, it wasn't as valid. I had some crazy thoughts ya'll. I said some crazy things. I still managed to convince myself that because other people might have thought or said or done crazier things, I was probably fine. Another lie. 

Lie #2: I'm not as depressed as others so it's not really a big deal. 

Months go by and it turns into a year, months continue to go by and there are times I feel much better, but there are other times I feel even worse. But is this still considered post-partum? Maybe I'm just sleep deprived. Maybe I'm just trying to balance too much. I have all the excuses. 

Lie #3: It's not post-partum depression because I'm not even "post-partum" anymore.

That last one sounds so silly. Technically post-partum is anytime after pregnancy and post-partum depression can last for months or years if you go without treatment. I don't recommend going without treatment, and I would take a strong bet that I'm not even close to the only one who has tried to power through and make up excuses instead of seeking help. 

For me, it has been time and support that has finally gotten me through it. If any of the above sounds familiar, please get the help you need, not just for yourself but for the sake of your family. If you want to stay away from anti-depressants, at least go talk to a therapist, get together with other moms, get time to yourself to SLEEP and SHOWER! Eat food that you know will make your body feel good. 

You probably know what you need: you just have to make it happen so that you can get what you need. 

It is frustrating to want your body or mind to do something that you just can't make it do. Be kind to yourself. Give yourself time. Don't compare yourself to others. Figure out what YOU need and make it happen. 

God continues to work on me, moment by moment, day by day. I believe if we seek God and his will, he will reveal it to us. Sometimes God only gives us bits and pieces at a time. That may be because he wants us to be obedient with the first piece before he'll reveal the full picture. Or maybe he only gives us the first piece because that is all we can handle right now. The first piece may be what will prepare us for the next piece. 

God has been nudging me to simply spend time with him. No long, in-depth Bible studies or pressure to devote huge amounts of time to something. Just quiet time with him. It sounds so simple, but has been enormously hard. Just sit and be quiet, alone. Just listen and don't talk, don't think, don't stress. 

I believe this first piece is unfolding what he has next. 

Being able to run is a huge blessing in my life. It gives me that time alone with God, time to organize my thoughts, and it is slowly but surely getting me back into shape. I have to keep up with two little wild boys somehow.