Making Space for Priorities

Since having kids, I've found it harder to manage my time, often feeling an overwhelming sense of busyness and losing track of my priorities. Something Luke and I have found helpful is to figure out our values and priorities together and be intentional with our time. If we aren't intentional, we will quickly fill our schedule with things that aren't even that important. We end up feeling overwhelmed, stressed out, and guilty that we aren't doing other things we know we should be doing. So, on a regular basis we get together to re-assess our time and our activities. There are a few steps to this: 

1. Figure out your values and priorities. (Keep reading for an idea on how to do this!)

2. Figure out an action plan to put those priorities first in your life and in your schedule.

 
3. What do you do if you work full time, have little kids to care for, and really have zero time left for anything else? Keep reading! 

Let's tackle #3 first! If that one resonates with you, then you need to be encouraged first. There are times in our lives when we can do all of the things and there are other times when we have to be ok with letting some things go. 

Let go of the guilt, let go of the pressure, let go of the dream (temporarily), let go of the things that really aren't that important. 

But what about the things that are important? Sometimes we feel like we are only doing things that are important and we are barely keeping our head above water. I can't quit my job, my kids need me, my marriage is struggling, I'm not getting enough sleep, I have to take care of the house and the people in it! I'm not going to be that person that tells you to let go of the laundry and dishes...that's so annoying! You have to dress your kids in something clean at some point and you have to eat everyday, multiple times a day! 

If this is where you are: First, you still should do #1 on the list above and figure out your priorities. This is so important for knowing what to put first and what to let go of. BUT if you are in the #3 category, your action plan will look a little different. 

Basically, your action plan is: do what is in front of you. That's it. Do your job, take care of your kids, focus on the important relationships in your life. I hope for your sake that this is a temporary time for you. I know that some are given more to handle than others, but temporary or not, I have a great book to recommend and a great piece of advice. 

Here is the book: It's called In the Midst of Chaos by: Bonnie J. Miller-McLemore. Here is a description of the book from Amazon:

"In the Midst of Chaos reveals what it takes to find the spiritual wisdom in the messy, familial ways of living. By rethinking parenting as an invitation to discover God in the middle of our busy and overstuffed lives, it relieves parents of the burden of being the all-knowing authority figures who impart spiritual knowledge to children. Finding spirituality in family activities such as reading bedtime stories, dividing household chores, and playing games can empower parents to notice what they are already doing as potentially valuable and to practice it more consciously as part of their own faith journey."

Go grab the Kindle version because goodness knows you don't have time to sit down and read a book, but you can pull up Kindle on your phone when you are in line waiting or have some small moment of downtime. I love e-books because I can get them from our library and read them when I'm putting my boys to bed or have a few minutes waiting out in the world.

This book really encouraged me to stop worrying about what my Bible study and prayer time looks like. At this time in my life it doesn't look like long, in-depth studies or quiet time away from my kids. It does look like reading one short Bible chapter on my phone when I first wake up in the morning and praying with my kids throughout the day. It has also changed my perspective on worship and I try to be intentional about demonstrating worship with my kids throughout our day. The key to this is being intentional, but we can sing, dance, pray, and just talk about God anywhere we are and in whatever we are currently doing.

Here is the advice: In Michelle Obama's book, Becoming, (which I read on Kindle), she talks about when her children were little, she began to feel resentful of her husband for working out or doing something for himself, while she felt like she was taking care of the kids, house, everyone, and didn't have time to do those things for herself. She realized that feeling resentful wasn't helping her at all and certainly wasn't helping her relationship with her husband, so she decided if something was important for her, she had to figure out a way to make it happen. I think this is great advice. When it comes to working out some ideas might include: joining a gym with childcare, taking your kids with you (bike trailers or double strollers are a great workout!), go for a run while your spouse is still home in the morning (and it's cooler outside!), take advantage of quick YouTube videos online (they are free and your kids will see you setting a great example for them-although they might crawl all over/under you and that can be super annoying...I mean, adorable...). It comes down to making it a priority and making it happen for yourself. 

So, Step 1: how do you figure out your priorities? 

Pray about this before you get started. Ask God to bring to mind activities that are important and where he wants you to spend your time. How you spend your time says a lot about your values. Are there specific values you have as a family? 

Here's an exercise you can try: Get a piece of paper and divide it up into different categories that represent how you spend (or want to spend) your time. Ideas could be: Spiritual, Community, Friends, Family, Exercise, Food, Health, Marriage, Kid's Activities, Hobbies, Fun, Travel, Volunteering, Giving, Work

Here is an example with priorities from mine: 

Under each category, write in things that are important to you. Include anything and everything! On mine I put everything from praying over my kids at bedtime to finding time to take a shower! I put a lot more under each category on mine but wanted to give some ideas in the example above. Include things that are important to your whole family. Include things that you have to do (like grocery shopping) because it needs to be on your schedule even if it isn't the most enjoyable activity. Include things you WANT to do but aren't doing yet. 

Step 2, flip the paper over and write out your week. Grab a pencil for this so you can erase some things! Write in the activities you HAVE to do each day. Then write in everything else you do each day. Be specific. Look at your priority list and check off anything that you already have on your schedule. Look back at your schedule and take a good look at any of things on there that aren't on your priority list. Do they need to be on your schedule? Can you let them go? What is your motivation behind some of the things on your calendar? If it isn't a priority and isn't something you have to do (like go to work) ERASE IT! What about things that are GOOD things like volunteer work or a Bible study, or an activity your child is involved with? Check your priority list! Did you write down a specific place you want to do volunteer work? Then, it's probably a priority and you should keep it. If you didn't? ERASE IT! Stop letting guilt, pressure, or any other motivation run your schedule and keep you busy. 

When something comes up that you have an opportunity to participate in, pull out your list and pray over it. Does it match up with your priorities or do you need to pass? 

One of our priorities has been trying to find ways to build friendships and community. Honestly, it's been a struggle. I think it's hard for adults to build friendships. We are all too busy and if we aren't being intentional about building relationships with others, it just isn't going to happen. Something we have started doing is inviting people over on Sunday evenings for "BYOD" - Bring Your Own Dinner. If the weather cooperates we eat outside on picnic tables and the kids all play in the sandbox and ride bikes. I don't clean my house and I only make dinner for my own family (which I was going to do anyway). We don't meet every week and people can come when they are able. It's been a way for us to take the priority we have of building community and make it happen as best we can. Low commitment and very little prep make it pretty stress-free.

One last thing, since this is a blog about running a marathon. How is that going??? For about a year I've stuck to a pretty consistent schedule of running each week. I'm working on adding more time for stretching and core workouts. The past month or so has been less consistent because it's been miserably hot, but also I've been exhausted because life is throwing some junk at us right now. It doesn't change my priorities, but sometimes we just have to be patient and ok with stepping back and focusing on what is in front of us. I think what I've learned from all of these steps backward is to keep moving my feet forwards. In other words, just because I missed a run or two, I'm still going to get out and run the next time I am able. As long as it is a priority for me, I'll keep looking for ways to get it done.

I did accomplish a pretty huge goal this summer so I'll leave you with some pictures from a sprint triathlon I did in Nashville. It was a lot of fun, but I'm not eager to do another one! I did discover that I enjoy swimming. I've always enjoyed running and riding my bike, but all together? No thanks...

So much stuff to bring!

Transition by the Parthenon made a fantastic view 

I did it!

And I got the t-shirt!

Post-Partum Depression

This post makes me feel vulnerable but recently someone shared a fantastic phrase with me: 

"Recover loudly so that others don't continue to suffer silently." 

I completely agree with this because when you hear that others are going through something similar, it makes it easier. I believe one of Satan's greatest tools is making us feel isolated and alone. It has taken me some time to share this because it takes having something behind you to be able to see the big picture. After Luca was born, I struggled for a long time with post-partum depression. Every appointment that I filled out the post-partum depression "quiz", I would fail it. Our amazing pediatrician called me at home after one of our appointments to check in on me. (Dr. Katie Pegram-Premier Medical Group-she's the best!) It was recommended that I take anti-depressants, and I refused to take them. I had my reasons, but looking back, I believe I could have saved myself a lot of difficulty if I had decided to take them or gotten more help. 

Depression was a mountain that I just couldn't get over on my own. Trying to tackle it on my own was like deciding to climb the very steepest side of the mountain. As I climbed, I skinned my knees and continued to fall. I bloodied my knuckles as I grasped for the next rock to hold onto. Sweat dripped, tears ran down my face, I screamed, I cried. Fortunately, I made it to the top. But when I looked down the other side of the mountain, I saw a winding, gradual staircase. Yes, I made it to the top, but I think if I had gotten help and decided to take anti-depressants or go talk to a therapist, I could have climbed the staircase. It still would have been a mountain and it still would have been difficult, but so much easier.

I did make some good choices to TAKE CARE OF MYSELF. I tried my best to eat good, nutritious food, rest, do something enjoyable, SLEEP, take a shower. I felt a lot of pressure (from myself) to run again. Running has always lifted my mood when I'm feeling down or out of sorts. Running releases all those "feel good" chemicals in your brain. It also gives my introvert self time alone to organize my thoughts, be present in my surroundings, and listen to God. I also have a pretty huge goal of running a marathon and it felt very far away when I was not running at all. It took me a really long time to start feeling better. As I started getting more sleep and was able to workout and then run again, my thoughts became less jumbled and I finally feel like post-partum depression is behind me. 

I've been running again for several months now and I'm not saying this is the only way for God to speak, but he sure seems to speak to me through running. Possibly it is the quiet, alone space with him where I can hear him best. I want to share some things he has been teaching me in the interest of recovering loudly, so that others don't have to suffer silently. 

As I battled post-partum depression, I continued to just try to power through it. This might sound stupid, but it's real easy to convince yourself that you can just power through. For one thing, I was really happy sometimes. I was really happy for long stretches of time. This is confusing and makes you think you aren't really depressed. The truth is that you can be happy and still have post-partum depression. 

Lie #1: If I was really depressed I would feel bad all the time. 

I also am very bad about comparing myself to others. I thought that because my situation wasn't as bad as other people, it wasn't as valid. I had some crazy thoughts ya'll. I said some crazy things. I still managed to convince myself that because other people might have thought or said or done crazier things, I was probably fine. Another lie. 

Lie #2: I'm not as depressed as others so it's not really a big deal. 

Months go by and it turns into a year, months continue to go by and there are times I feel much better, but there are other times I feel even worse. But is this still considered post-partum? Maybe I'm just sleep deprived. Maybe I'm just trying to balance too much. I have all the excuses. 

Lie #3: It's not post-partum depression because I'm not even "post-partum" anymore.

That last one sounds so silly. Technically post-partum is anytime after pregnancy and post-partum depression can last for months or years if you go without treatment. I don't recommend going without treatment, and I would take a strong bet that I'm not even close to the only one who has tried to power through and make up excuses instead of seeking help. 

For me, it has been time and support that has finally gotten me through it. If any of the above sounds familiar, please get the help you need, not just for yourself but for the sake of your family. If you want to stay away from anti-depressants, at least go talk to a therapist, get together with other moms, get time to yourself to SLEEP and SHOWER! Eat food that you know will make your body feel good. 

You probably know what you need: you just have to make it happen so that you can get what you need. 

It is frustrating to want your body or mind to do something that you just can't make it do. Be kind to yourself. Give yourself time. Don't compare yourself to others. Figure out what YOU need and make it happen. 

God continues to work on me, moment by moment, day by day. I believe if we seek God and his will, he will reveal it to us. Sometimes God only gives us bits and pieces at a time. That may be because he wants us to be obedient with the first piece before he'll reveal the full picture. Or maybe he only gives us the first piece because that is all we can handle right now. The first piece may be what will prepare us for the next piece. 

God has been nudging me to simply spend time with him. No long, in-depth Bible studies or pressure to devote huge amounts of time to something. Just quiet time with him. It sounds so simple, but has been enormously hard. Just sit and be quiet, alone. Just listen and don't talk, don't think, don't stress. 

I believe this first piece is unfolding what he has next. 

Being able to run is a huge blessing in my life. It gives me that time alone with God, time to organize my thoughts, and it is slowly but surely getting me back into shape. I have to keep up with two little wild boys somehow. 

Stillness and Waiting

When you are writing a blog about running, there isn't much to say when you aren't running very often. I've thought several times about doing some kind of update, but the words just don't sort themselves out when I sit down to write. There is something about being out for a run that helps me organize my thoughts and hear more clearly what God is speaking into my life. Lately, he has been directing my mind to the concept of stillness and waiting. For the past couple of years, Luke and I have lived out some of the most joyful moments, filled with laughter and love, but like many others, the year 2020 ushered in anxiety, depression, questioning, loss of community, and it has been difficult to pull ourselves out of that space. 

Lately, as God shows me the importance of stillness and waiting, I'm trying to become less impatient in getting my life to be or look a certain way. I'm also trying to prioritize what is important to me and get rid of the things that aren't. 

One of those priorities is moving my body- by running, bike riding, yoga, Pilates. I decided to make a schedule so I would be more likely to stick to (and remember) what I want to be doing. If you're reading this and want to start running or need a workout guide to follow, this would be a great one. I've made things pretty easy for myself! 

1- RUN 3 days a week. I've chosen Tuesday, Thursday, and Saturday but I will move a day up or down if I need to. My starting point is 2 miles. I try to do that distance each time, but I did not start running that entire distance right away and how my body feels during each run determines how much running vs walking I will do that day. I'm a firm believer in the run/walk. It's just easier and there isn't any benefit to non-stop running. For me, I always feel like the first mile is really hard and then once I walk a little and start running again, it isn't too bad. 

2- I'm doing workout videos at home. And by workout videos I mean 10-20 minute (tops) yoga or easy core and stretching videos in the morning or evenings. This is low intensity, easy, fun, and quick! The key is that they are short which means I will actually fit them in and get it done. I'd like to do this every day but I'm trying to do one most days. (Dr. Bri's Vibrant Pelvic Health and Yoga with Adriene are my go-to videos on youtube)

3- I'm trying to walk about 20 minutes every day. This is also a "most" days happening and I was doing much better when the weather was nicer, but I'm still determined to do this as much as possible. 

4- I'm going to start swimming! I signed up for a sprint triathlon in May and swimming is definitely the event I'm most concerned about. We are planning to go swimming at the YMCA on Sunday afternoons so the boys can get some swim time and Luke and I can take turns swimming some laps. 

5- We typically ride our bikes as a family pretty often when the weather is nice. I'll take a break over the winter, but will hopefully get back to it in the spring. I even have a brand new Trek mountain bike to make this even more fun! 

My goal with running is to get the 2 miles down to a point where I don't feel like I'm going to die, and then start running just a little faster. When I started back running, it was at a 12 minute pace and I'm slowly getting a bit faster, but I'd like to get to a 10 minute pace and then hopefully an 8-9 minute pace. Once I get to a 10 minute pace, I would like to start adding a mile to my Saturday runs. 

I hesitate to say this out loud...but I'm looking at my marathon in Fall 2024. I've learned my lesson in making plans though, so I will wait and see what happens. Stillness and Waiting, but in that waiting there is preparing.