A different kind of marathon

Looks like I won't be running the type of marathon I thought I would anytime soon. Instead, I have a different kind of 9 month marathon ahead of me (6 months at this point). 

Much to our surprise, we are having a baby and we couldn't be more excited! 

Our little family in Denver, CO

Here were my first thoughts on finding out I was pregnant:

"Is that right? Let me check the instructions on the box again. Does it really have two lines??"

"YAY!" Along with tears of JOY!

"Oh man, what have we gotten ourselves into? There's really no turning back now."

The above thoughts are pretty much exactly what I was thinking those first few moments we found out I was pregnant. The main overwhelming emotion was excitement, anxiety, thinking, "it's about time!", and some fear. The first night, I lay in bed for hours unable to fall asleep. I was excited, but really, really scared. My fear wasn't about labor or parenting or the enormity of having a child (I'm sure those fears will come at some point!). Instead, I was afraid it wasn't real or if it was, it wouldn't be for long. I was terrified to wake up and not be pregnant anymore. One of the risks with endometriosis is miscarriage and that first night I could not stop thinking about the possibility of it. Finally, I remembered to turn my thoughts to God and pray (why did it take me until 1:30am to do this?). I don't remember thinking about anything after that, but finally fell asleep.

Everybody loves a baby bump progression, so here we are with barely a bump to see:

4 weeks

One of the positive things about waiting for 3 years to become pregnant is you have a lot of time to do research. I have three books on pregnancy, one that I've already read the first part of, we've interviewed providers (that seems really ridiculous now, but hey, it's already done!), I have about 30 bookmarked pages of lists of things you should do while pregnant, what you should eat, things to register for, everything you wanted to know about breastfeeding and cloth diapers, and a million other topics no one cares about when you aren't pregnant. The first year or so that we tried to get pregnant I researched like a mad woman. This made me pretty depressed the second year and I had to put it all out of sight, but now I'm feeling pretty ahead of the game.
 

8 weeks

I think in the back of my mind (very far back) I held on to the possibility of becoming pregnant, but we had pretty much given up on it. We decided against trying fertility treatments and didn't think we would adopt (we are in no way against those things, it just wasn't for us). Even with my doctor telling me there would be a chance of conceiving since my surgery last August was so successful, I still didn't want to get my hopes up. Luke and I prayed for God to show us his plan for our lives. Maybe there were things we would do that others, who had kids, couldn't easily do. Maybe there were positive things about being childless (yes, there are many!). On one level I resigned myself to not having kids and I could even feel joyful in that, but I knew deep down what my true feelings were because they would creep up on me especially when I saw or read something about someone else's struggle with infertility. Amazingly I never felt sad when others announced their pregnancies and I'm glad I could feel genuinely happy for them. The hardest thing though was knowing how much Luke wanted to be a dad and seeing him with our friend's and family's kids and knowing what an awesome dad he would be! 

11 weeks with a tiny bump

We've made it 15 weeks and I'm breathing easier after hearing Baby Baine's heartbeat and seeing him/her on an ultrasound (5 more weeks until we find out the gender!). Everything is healthy so far! This pregnancy and baby are an absolute miracle! I can't believe how many doctors told me that I would never be able to get pregnant, how sure they were that I needed a hysterectomy, and how none of them knew there was a specialist in Atlanta who would look at my chart and confidently tell me that he could remove every bit of the endo and leave all of my organs intact. We are so thankful to have found Dr. Sinervo, at The Center for Endometriosis Care. My concern at that time was to get back my life, to not be in pain and nausea everyday. The icing on the cake is this miracle baby growing inside me. 




 My goal is to run a 5K in my second trimester. I stopped running in the first trimester because I was tired all the time and feeling nauseous (no change there!) but now I'm feeling less nauseous and a little more energy so I'm determined to get back to running. I went for a run yesterday with Luke and my dad, who is in town for the 4th of July. It felt great!

For all my mom friends out there, what kinds of exercises did you like to do when you were pregnant? I'm doing lots of walking, and a little bit of core and yoga. I'm thinking about finding a pool to do some swimming or pool walking.

Thanks for sharing in our excitement! I spent an entire day on Facebook reading congratulations messages from friends after we posted our announcement. Facebook gets a bad rap, but man it made me so happy to read all of those comments!! Here is our post if you missed it:

Ready to Roll January 2018!

I could never do that

We hear a common phrase when someone finds out that my husband and I are foster parents:

"I could never do that."

On the first day of training to become a foster parent, they ask you why you want to do it. This is not an easy question for me to answer. I will tell you that I do not want to be a foster parent. I'm doing it for one simple reason, God told me to do it.

You might think that foster parenting is difficult, and you would be right. You might think it will disrupt your life, add a lot of stress, and force you to be around people you would rather avoid. You might think you'll love the kids too much and want to body slam the adults who put them in this mess, you also might worry that you won't love them enough, that they will push you away, scream at you, and it will be hard to show them the love they desperately need. All of the things you think would be difficult are resoundingly correct. It's hard. You also might think you don't have the qualifications that are needed, your life is too hectic right now, or maybe it's calm and you want to keep it that way! You think you could never do it.

Maybe you're right.

Here are the qualifications I have to be a foster parent: 

I'm a living, breathing human being. 

I love Jesus. 

That's it. I can't do it either, but I'm doing it anyway. I'm not special. There is nothing about me that makes me believe I am capable and lots of things about me that make me believe I'm going to mess up. I don't even have the desire to do this. My willingness to do foster care comes from my willingness to follow Christ. Luke recently started saying that we have not been called to "foster success" but to "foster care". We aren't responsible for the success of these children. We can't save them, change them, or make them into something they are not. That is God's responsibility, not ours. We can't do it. We were called to say "yes" and God, in his mercy, has held us, supported us, loved us, strengthened us, and taught us that it is all about him.

God promises us that we can rely on his strength. I've been wondering exactly how this works. How do I tap into that superhuman God-strength and do the things he has asked me to do?

Here's what I know:

1) Sometimes it feels like I can't do it and that's ok. I don't need to feel guilty about how I feel.            "it" might be foster care, my job, going for a run, helping out a friend, being patient when something irritates me, or even just making dinner.

                     But he said to me, “My grace is sufficient for you, for my power is made perfect in weakness.” Therefore I will boast all the more gladly about my weaknesses, so that Christ’s power may rest on me. That is why, for Christ’s sake, I delight in weaknesses, in insults, in hardships, in persecutions, in difficulties. For when I am weak, then I am strong. 2 Corinthians 12:9-10  

Since Paul delighted in his weakness, we can be comforted that there isn't anything wrong with being weak. In fact, if we follow Paul's example, we should actually boast about our weaknesses! Paul asked for God to remove the thorn in his flesh, but not only does God seem ok with keeping us in our weakness, he also plans to use us there. 

  2) God will use me when I am tired and weak.  

                     He gives strength to the weary and increases the power of the weak.Even youths grow tired and weary,and young men stumble and fall;but those who hope in the Lord will renew their strength. They will soar on wings like eagles;they will run and not grow weary,they will walk and not be faint. Isaiah 40:29-31   

There are more ways than I could list that God has shown his power and work in my life. When I think about these moments, there isn't one time that I felt strong, capable, or that everything was going wonderfully. Each of these moments consisted of hardship, brokenness, and difficulty. I desperately needed God to be there, and he showed up in amazing and mighty ways.

3) Whatever it is I don't feel like doing, do it anyway.

                        Finally, be strong in the Lord and in his mighty power. Put on the full armor of God, so that you can take your stand against the devil’s schemes. For our struggle is not against flesh and blood, but against the rulers, against the authorities, against the powers of this dark world and against the spiritual forces of evil in the heavenly realms. Ephesians 6:10-17

Our foster daughter lived with us for about a year and a half and has now moved on to her next home. There were so many moments that God fought for us and I want to share one of them with you.

Around Easter last year we went to the Good Friday service at our church. It had been a rough week and Luke and I were looking forward to taking the time to remember what Christ has done for us and spend time in worship with our church family. Just before we left for church, an incident came up with our daughter that we had to deal with. It put a damper on the evening but we moved past it and went to church. When we got back to our house that evening, our daughter was still upset about what had happened and began yelling and arguing with us. At one point she told us that she had never known anyone that made her life worse than we made it. That felt really good. *sarcasm* We did our best to remain calm and let her storm off to her room. I checked my phone and saw a text from a friend that said she and her family had "egged" our house. This was a little confusing, but it was Easter after all, and I figured there was more to the story, so I went outside and found this on my door:

Luke asked if we should go get our daughter and have her come search for Easter eggs with us. My response was, "of course not, are you crazy??" Thankfully, he decided to go and knock on her door anyway. She flung open the door and threw herself into his arms crying. I went over and put my arms around them both. She said she was sorry and we talked a little more, and then we went outside and hunted Easter eggs! She had a blast and it brought our family closer together. My friend couldn't have possibly known how God was working through her by hiding some eggs in our yard that evening.

One more thing I want to share. When our daughter came to live with us she had a laundry basket full of clothes, a drawing set, and a small bag. Here are all of her things ready to move out:

The majority of these items are from friends and family who have loved and accepted our daughter as a part of our family and as you can see, have spoiled her a bit! Luke and I are so thankful and blessed for everyone who has supported, listened, and encouraged us through this first placement. We are going to take a short break, but plan to jump back in again. Not because we think we can do it, but because we have seen God hold us up and get us through it. As long as he continues to ask, we will continue to say yes.

My update with running is that right now I feel like I will never be able to run a marathon. I've felt nauseous every morning for about 4 or 5 weeks straight. It's pretty miserable. Dramamine is helping, but some days it doesn't cut it. The results from the GI doctor came back normal, which ruled out anything GI related. He said it is most likely related to the endometriosis and has to do with my hormones. Next step is to go back to my doctor in Atlanta and see what he recommends.

Running at Dunbar and stopping to give Cody a pat:






I don't feel like doing much of anything when I feel nauseous, much less go for a run. I've realized though that I just have to get out there and do it. God put a desire in me to run. He is constantly teaching me lessons through running. The one that speaks the most clearly to me right now is that it doesn't really matter how I feel, sometimes I just have to get out there and do it anyway. No, it doesn't feel great and yes, I've thrown up on the side of the road, but those moments when I run a little farther or a little faster than I did before and when I have accomplished something that I wasn't really sure I could do, that's when my faith is strengthened, when I know God won't let me fail. I'll have difficult days, but if I just get out there and do the thing, God will show me things I never thought were possible.

Has God placed something on your heart or put something in your life that you feel is too much for you? Can I encourage you that it's ok to feel like you can't do it? Take that weakness and let it be a testimony to the unavoidable need we have to depend upon God's strength. Then be willing to move forward and do what he has asked you to do. All he needs is our obedience. He will do the rest.   

Girls On The Run

I am pumped to share with you an organization I just discovered called Girls on the Run.

I am planning to sign up for their spring 5K which will happen in Nashville on Saturday, May 6th. I am very excited to have a race to look forward to and motivate me! I am also considering signing up to be a Running Buddy where they will pair you up with a girl in the program who you will pace and encourage as they complete the race.

The 5K is a celebration for the young girls in the program who have been participating in lessons that encourage positive emotional, social, mental and physical development. They integrate physical activity in their lessons, complete services projects together, and have fun learning to have confidence in who they are and all of the things they are capable of doing.

Want to join me?? You can register HERE.

Here are some pics from my walk (with a tiny bit of running) today with Cody:

I didn't realize we were both making our serious face in the first pic. He's a pro.

Also, I have some good news along with a prayer request. Thanks to an online support group, someone shared a similar issue with dealing with endometriosis and feeling nauseous everyday. She suggested that I try Dramamine. I was worried that it would make me sleepy, but I've been taking it every morning for almost a week and it completely stops the nausea without causing drowsiness! Hallelujah!! I finally feel like I can function again, which is essential because my business is exploding! I have some exciting opportunities happening right now including a part time job with Lipscomb University, hiring new therapists, and adding new clients. Autism Therapy and Training is moving along!

Prayers would be so welcome as I hope my body continues to hold up with all of the excitement happening with my job. Specifically, if you would pray for me next Thursday, I have a doctor's appointment to check out a few things with my stomach and gallbladder to see if we can discover what is causing the nausea. They are doing an outpatient procedure. I am torn between hoping they find something so we will know what is going on and really hoping they don't find anything if it is something serious or will cause more problems. 

No matter what happens, I am reminded that I am only a jar of clay. It will always and only be God's power working through me to accomplish anything in this life. 

2 Corinthians 4:7-9
But we have this treasure in jars of clay to show that this all-surpassing power is from God and not from us.  
We are hard pressed on every side, but not crushed; 
perplexed, but not in despair; 
persecuted, but not abandoned; 
struck down, but not destroyed.

Don't forget to sign up for the 5K with me!! :) 

One BIG change though many SMALL steps

I have plenty of goals aimed at becoming healthier:

• I want to eat better and exercise more.
• I want to cut out highly processed foods and eat only "real" food.
• I want to run a marathon.
• I want to become stronger and more flexible.
• I don't want to feel like I'm going to die when I do certain workout videos.
• I want to be able to do even one push-up.
• I want to run a mile in 7 minutes. 

That's a pretty long list, so where do I start? 

Poster at Results Physiotherapy

I propose a new way of thinking about making a BIG change stick. Break that BIG change up into many SMALL changes and conquer each step, one at a time. 

One BIG change through many SMALL steps. 

What does that look like?  For my goal of cutting out highly processed foods, it meant choosing one action to take. Just one.  

It is overwhelming at the starting line of a new routine. It's tempting to try to do it all at once. Just throw all the "bad" food away and only eat the "good" food. This is easier said than done. I had a hard time figuring out what in the world I was going to eat! 

To begin, I simply bought more fruits and vegetables. I didn't worry about the processed food I was already eating, but bought, cooked, and ate lots of veggies. The main way this was achieved was by joining a local CSA. Luke and I picked up a box a organic produce from a local farm each week. Often it contained vegetables I had never eaten or even heard of including all different kinds of squash like acorn, delicata and butternut, and lots of different greens like swiss chard, bok choy, and kale. Here's a link to the CSA in case you live in Middle Tennessee and want to join.

Eating lots of veggies is a good start, but I was still eating a lot of food that is highly processed. That meant I needed to take one more small step.

I began taking one food out of my cabinet and either stopped buying it completely, or found a replacement that was less processed. For example, I stopped buying cream of chicken soup and learned to make it from scratch. It's also cheaper. 

I didn't add the next step until I felt comfortable with the last one and little by little I've changed my diet to eat less highly processed foods and more simple, real food. Lisa Leake's blog at 100 days of real food was very helpful in defining real food and why I should eat it.


Adding one small step at a time applies to my goals for exercise as well. I created a segment on Strava called the "Kimbrough Mile" to keep track of how fast I can run a mile. At this point I'm running as much as I can, but 1/2 mile has been my starting place and I'm adding a little bit more each day.

Strava run through the hood

Especially after surgery the concept of one small step at a time has been important for me. My body needs me to take it easy and my desire to do more can cause me to push myself a little farther than I should. I have been feeling a TON better after my surgery. The biggest improvement has been a huge decrease in pain. Unfortunately, the nausea continues. Most days I wake up and feel incredibly nauseous. I don't usually throw up, only when it is very bad. Sometimes I feel like I'm going to throw up any moment and I stick close to home, other times I know I won't throw up, but I just feel queasy. I'm still going for a run and if I have to stop and throw up, so be it.

Luke actually took a picture of this pit stop on a run at the Greenway!

Luke and I also went on a bike ride together, which was a blast despite the fact that I ended up in a lot of pain. I think being hunched over irritated my abdomen, so I may have to take it easy on the bike riding. After our ride we headed over to Dunbar Cave and tried out our new trail running shoes. Running through the woods just might be my favorite thing ever. I think Cody loves it too, which made me wonder, has Cody developed a personality more like Luke and I the longer he has lived with us? All three of us are happy running (or biking: Luke) around outside and then crashing on the couch with a blanket and some yummy food. Luke says it's just that he and I have a personality like a dog. I think I'm ok with that! ;) 

Dunbar Cave trail run with Cody

Time for a nap!

What is one SMALL step you could begin to take each day towards a goal you have? Maybe you could begin to do a plank every day. Give yourself permission to only add that one thing. That's it. Eventually, it will become part of your routine and you can add something else. It might take a little longer to get started, but you will be less likely to give up after a couple of months because you're overwhelmed. That kind of change will last because you've created a lifestyle. Let me know in the comments what your first small step will be. 

Blessings through Infertility

Percy Warner Park

What are you passionate about? The photo to the left encapsulates several of my passions: my awesome husband, exploring new places, being outside in nature, running and hiking.

Over the past few years, I've felt my passion for running, traveling, singing, doing my job, and living life to the fullest slipping away.

My mom died suddenly and unexpectedly in 2013. I questioned God's kindness and became very depressed. I believed in God and believed that he loved me enough to save my soul, but I didn't think God could possibly be interested in the details of my life. Those details might be a huge deal to me, but God had infinitely larger and more important things to concern himself with. Who am I that he would look upon my life? Why should he interfere or care? He is God. He is all knowing. He is all powerful, and He owes me nothing.

My beautiful mom with my brothers and I

I've never felt a strong desire to have children. I thought maybe God left the mom gene out of me. Luke and I have said many times that God may not want us to have children. There are all kinds of things God may have in store for us that would be easier to do without kids. Three years ago I spent quite a bit of time in prayer and searching about whether God wanted us to have kids. We felt God leading in two ways: 1) he wanted us to do foster care. 2) he wanted us to try to have children. So, in our own wisdom (ha!) Luke and I decided it really made the most sense to try to have our own children first, and then we would do foster care at some point in the future. Two years later it was pretty clear we weren't going to have biological children and fortunately we came to our senses and became obedient in becoming foster parents.

I struggled with God to make sense of why he would lead me in the direction of trying to have children and then break my heart when it didn't happen. I felt a very clear word from him that he wanted us to conceive. Did I make a mistake in hearing from him? Why would I go from not even having that desire, to crying every month when it didn't happen? I couldn't make sense of it. Was he just mean?

Through the disappointment of my circumstances God has been teaching me that he is in charge and I'm not always going to understand why specific things happen or the timing of certain events. Lauren Daigle sings this idea beautifully in her song, Trust in You. God sees the bigger picture and there is a reason he doesn't move every mountain out of our way. God has asked me to die to myself and I am challenged by the first words of the song, "Letting go of every single dream, I lay each one down at your feet." Click here to listen. This was an important lesson to learn, and this song reminded me to trust in God.
But it wasn't the whole picture.

God didn't just want me to trust him because He is God, he also wanted me to know that he loves me. I mean, really loves and cares for me. He has completely baffled me. He took me on a journey through trying to have children and taught me that he cares very much about the details of my life. He cares about my health, my body, my dreams, my thoughts. I'm immediately humbled to think that I even doubted.

Riley and Olive enjoy the ocean

After my surgery in August, I was in Pawley's Island listening to the waves crash. I was happy to be recovering from surgery (especially at the beach) but I was still in pain and wrestling with God. When I went off birth control pills a desire to get pregnant began to grow in me. I just assumed it would happen immediately. I began making plans. Looking back those plans make me feel like an idiot and are another reminder to give up control. Not because I am forced to turn over control to God, but because he is worth trusting with my entire life, every single detail.

If God had not sparked in me that desire of getting pregnant, I would have stayed on birth control pills and had endometriosis building up inside me without even feeling it. It would have caused much more harm over time and I wouldn't have known it was there. It took going off the pills and then feeling all the pain that came with it, to find out there was something really wrong. Feeling that pain led me to get the help I needed, and for that, I am so thankful.

I now see how absolutely loving God is to care enough about my physical body, to lead me down this road so I could get help. It actually amazes me. God has strange ways, but he is so loving towards us. It is so shameful that we doubt him and think he is mean or doesn't care. Hopefully this will stick with me and I won't easily forget, that in those moments when I have no idea what he is doing, he is loving me and I can trust him.

Why does God care that I love to run? Why does he care about my job? Why does he care about me singing? Zephaniah 3:17 speaks of God's love towards us. A mighty warrior who takes great delight in us. He cares about these things because he loves us. 

Zephaniah 3:17

Sand in my running shoes

Merry Christmas and Happy New Year!

Pawley's Island

Luke's mom made sure we had a festive beach house and a place for all of the gifts.

I am truly thankful for almost complete healing from my excision surgery back in August and due to physical therapy, my pain is pretty much non-existent. That means my physical therapist gave me the green light to try running again and I was able to run my first mile last week! We spent some pre-Christmas time in Pawley's Island, South Carolina with Luke's family. I wouldn't call myself a beach person, but it is an extremely relaxing place. It's very cozy sitting on the couch under a blanket, looking out at the ocean with a good book to read. The weather was perfect and we took advantage of it by taking long walks with our toes in the sand in December!

Enjoying beach time with Luke's parents

The giant wall of sand

Luke and I went on a 7 mile walk down to the pier from our beach house. He ran half a mile with me on the road and half a mile on the beach. It didn't take long to get winded, but it felt oh so good! 

Hurricane Matthew hit Pawley's and left the beach looking much different from when we last saw it in August. It washed away most of the dunes along with some of the walkways and stairs to the beach. They brought in a ton of sand and created a huge wall of it in front of the houses.

It's odd to be at the beach in December, but the weather cooperated to give us the ideal day to enjoy the beach and to go for a run. I'm thrilled to have that first mile under my belt, and I'm looking forward to many more!

Starting point at the end of Pawley's Island

Had to stop and give these guys a pat

Beautiful day for a run on the beach

Now, the bad news...when I found out I had endometriosis the two main symptoms I had were abdominal pain and nausea. You wouldn't believe how many pregnancy tests doctors made me take! The abdominal pain is nearly gone. Unfortunately, the nausea continues. Many endo sufferers experience nausea, especially if adhesions are aggravating the intestines, bladder, and bowel. I expected the nausea to depart along with the pain. Now my doctor has been trying one thing after the next: diet changes, anxiety, stomach acid, blood sugar, and now sleep. The nausea prevails. In a few days the end of the year will mean the end of having my health insurance deductible met. That means paying out of pocket, or doing some experimenting on my own.

Cody's best dog-frend, Tucker, is visiting and enjoying the walks too.

Nausea or not this is where you will find me most days, out for a walk on Kimbrough. Walking and running my way to a marathon. Luke is sticking with me so far. Any bets on how far he'll go? My guess is a 10K, but let's see if we can get him to do a half marathon with me! I say "we" because this will take a collective effort! Leave a comment on how far you think he should keep running with me!

Bringing you up to speed

In February 2016 I was diagnosed with stage 4 endometriosis. If you are unfamiliar with endo, it is a chronic condition currently without a cure, where tissue that is similar to the lining of the uterus shows up in other places in the body. In my case it was all over my abdominal organs (bladder, bowel, intestines, etc.) causing severe pain and causing my organs to stick together. I also had an endometrioma (also called a chocolate cyst) that had ruptured on one of my ovaries. 
 

I would describe the pain I felt as barbwire wrapped around inside me, so when I saw this picture, it was the perfect illustration. Photo Credit: Center for Endo

1 in 10 women have endometriosis making it extremely common, even though it is highly misunderstood. It is difficult to diagnose because you must have surgery to know for sure if endo is present. It is often dismissed as other conditions. It often runs in families and I am convinced my mom had it, but never knew it.  One reason we don't talk about it is because it is a "woman problem." Some of you may be getting squeamish already, but the more we talk about it, the more women will recognize it and get the help they need. The average amount of time it takes from the onset of symptoms to receiving a diagnosis is 6-10 years. It took 16 years for me. I began having symptoms when I was a freshman in college. I would lay on the floor in the shared bathroom of our dorm, close to the toilet so I could throw up from the pain.
 

My daughter made this picture for me to take to Atlanta for my excision surgery in August 2016

I'm not sure if my doctor suspected endo when I was 18, but I was diagnosed with ovarian cysts and put on birth control pills. The BC pills controlled the pain but over time endometriosis was still building up inside me. There are a lot of myths regarding endometriosis. Here are some I've heard from well meaning friends and also from doctors: you waited too long to try to get pregnant, you should get pregnant and it will go away, you will have to have a hysterectomy, you will never be able to have children, it was caused by some repressed emotional trauma, it's just "normal" PMS, you need to go back on birth control pills, you will definitely lose at least one of your ovaries. I've also been sent from one doctor to the next because they didn't know what to do with me. Multiple doctors told me, "You definitely have to have surgery, but I don't feel comfortable doing it." 
 

Taken in February 2016 before my first surgery.

My first surgery was in February 2016 in Clarksville, TN. I was assured that my surgeon was well experienced to be able to remove my endo through laparoscopic surgery. She was planning to use a laser technique that basically burns off the endo lesions. Fortunately, she did not attempt to do this. She looked inside me and decided there was too much endo for her to safely remove. I was upset at the time but am very grateful that she did not cause any further injury by trying to remove anything. If you have or suspect that you have endometriosis, find a doctor who is an expert in this disease. Your regular OBGyn is most likely NOT an expert. Laser ablation burns the endometriosis but since it is not able to completely remove all of the disease, it tends to come back in one or two years. Women continue to have multiple surgeries throughout their lifetime. After my surgery I was told that there is not a surgeon who exists who would be able to remove the amount of endo I had.  

Thank goodness I did a little digging on the internet (yep, the internet gave me better advice than my doctor) and I found The Center for Endometriosis Care in Atlanta, GA. The Center for Endo uses a laser to excise or completely cut out the endometriosis lesions. There is a 10-20% chance the endo will return, versus a 70-80% chance with the laser ablation I spoke of above. I sent in my medical records and received a phone call from the medical director himself who would be doing my surgery. He walked me though all of the procedures they would do and told me he was very confident he would be able to remove all of my endo. I got off the phone in tears. 
 

Recovering from surgery in August 2016

I've been given a 12 week recovery time, which feels SO LONG! However, I am very hopeful, grateful, and thankful to be so blessed. During this time I've been reading 1 Peter over and over again. If you are suffering in any kind of trial, this book is full of encouragement. 

1 Peter 1:6-7 says, "In all this you greatly rejoice, though now for a little while you may have had to suffer grief in all kinds of trials.These have come so that the proven genuineness of your faith—of greater worth than gold, which perishes even though refined by fire—may result in praise, glory and honor when Jesus Christ is revealed."

If you have stumbled upon this blog and have been diagnosed with endometriosis, think you might have endo, or know someone who does, here are some resources that might be helpful: 

The Center for Endometriosis Care in Atlanta, GA. The website has invaluable information all about endo. They will do a free medical records review to see if they believe they can treat you. If your doctor is saying you must have a hysterectomy, you'll never have children, or to live with your pain, please get a second opinion, and a third if needed! There is hope!

Endo What? is a documentary full of helpful information on what is normal and what is not. What is a myth and what is the truth.

Endo Resolved is a blog with info on surgeons, diet, treatments, symptoms, etc. One of the most helpful resources I found here was a detailed post on what to expect before, during, and after laparoscopic surgery.

Finally, another blog about endo that includes a thorough list of of items that might be helpful if you are traveling for surgery. You can also sponsor a surgery, or purchase Ruby, the Endo Roo.

My dad, Jim Jackson, and husband, Luke Baine who took care of me during my surgery and recovery in Atlanta.

It can feel very discouraging when you don't feel well and are unsure about the outcome. Will you ever feel better? Are you being a wimp and need to suck it up? Are you letting everyone down? How do you rely on God's strength on days you can't even get out of bed? Will you ever be able to enjoy the things you used to do?? 

"Humble yourselves, therefore, under God’s mighty hand, that he may lift you up in due time. Cast all your anxiety on him because he cares for you. Be alert and of sober mind. Your enemy the devil prowls around like a roaring lion looking for someone to devour. Resist him, standing firm in the faith, because you know that the family of believers throughout the world is undergoing the same kind of sufferings. And the God of all grace, who called you to his eternal glory in Christ, after you have suffered a little while, will himself restore you and make you strong, firm, and steadfast. To him be the power for ever and ever. Amen." 1 Peter 5:6-11

It's interesting that Peter mentions our enemy, the devil, when he is speaking of suffering. He says that the devil is looking for someone to devour. The questions I asked above could easily devour me if I keep my focus on them instead of on God who, "will himself restore you and make you strong, firm, and steadfast." Praise God!   

Planning to Run

Some people tell me they hate running. Some people hate running but do it anyway. I don't think I could do it if I didn't love it. Running keeps me sane. However, When I'm running I often need to motivate myself to keep going. I strongly believe that your mind can tell you to give up far before your body gives out. I have a lot of tricks to keep my mind motivated during a run, but the best one is to focus on what is right in front of me. If I think about the entire distance I have to run that day and how much further I have to go, my legs start to feel heavy or it suddenly feels way too hot to be outside running. Instead, I focus on the next thing right in front of me. That might be the actual road at my feet. It might be a dog in a yard or a beautiful tree. When I focus on the distance to the next mailbox or telephone pole, it doesn't seem too far. I can easily make it there. 
  
Sometimes I get ahead of myself in life and I need to apply the same lessons I've learned in running to living. In 2012 I completed a half marathon and I immediately started making bigger plans. Unfortunately, the half marathon was the beginning of the end for me. Let me explain...

   

13.1 is the farthest distance I have ever run. After I finished, I wanted to do something I never thought I would do. If I could run a half marathon, I definitely could run a marathon! I always thought running a marathon was a somewhat idiotic and harmful thing to do to your body. If you are interested in why this is true, check out this article from active.com about the risk of injury and amount of recovery time needed when you run further than 20 miles at one time. I was only going to run ONE, so it had to be a good one. Here is the marathon I found: 

Sparkasse 3-Länder-Marathon

 The Sparkasse 3-Lander Marathon is 26.2 miles through three countries: Germany, Austria, and Switzerland. The picture above is the start line on Lindau island in Germany. The marathon goes around Lake Constance from Germany, through Switzerland, and ending in Bergenz, Austria.

Official 2016 Race Photos from Sparkasse Facebook page

                                  

 

Sounds like a great, beautiful plan to me. I'm excellent at making plans. You might say it is even a matter of pride. I can plan the mess out of something- a trip, a meal, an activity, my life...and I feel more in control that way. If I have a great plan, I have the control. "Pride goes before destruction, a haughty spirit before a fall." Proverbs 16:18. I wasn't prideful in running, I was prideful in making plans for myself.

I told you that finishing a half marathon was the beginning of the end for me. Over the next four years I would struggle with running. I could run some days, but it was just so hard, harder than it should be. Something was wrong. It took time, many doctors, many theories about what was wrong, falling into a deep depression, and feeling a whole lot of pain. It was hard for a reason. In February of this year I had diagnostic laparoscopic surgery and found out I have stage 4 endometriosis.

Brooks PureFlow lightweight running shoes

I have actually learned some lessons in these four years that I hope will stick. God has taught me to let go of my own plans and to trust him with his. He's taught me that I can trust him because he's God and he deserves it. I can also trust him because he loves me. Deeply and unconditionally. I have a goal to run a marathon, but I'm trusting God to lead the way. I don't know what the end looks like, but I know I will make it if I focus on what is right in front of me.

Right now, I'm walking as much as possible. 
In God's time, I'll be running again.