Stillness and Waiting

When you are writing a blog about running, there isn't much to say when you aren't running very often. I've thought several times about doing some kind of update, but the words just don't sort themselves out when I sit down to write. There is something about being out for a run that helps me organize my thoughts and hear more clearly what God is speaking into my life. Lately, he has been directing my mind to the concept of stillness and waiting. For the past couple of years, Luke and I have lived out some of the most joyful moments, filled with laughter and love, but like many others, the year 2020 ushered in anxiety, depression, questioning, loss of community, and it has been difficult to pull ourselves out of that space. 

Lately, as God shows me the importance of stillness and waiting, I'm trying to become less impatient in getting my life to be or look a certain way. I'm also trying to prioritize what is important to me and get rid of the things that aren't. 

One of those priorities is moving my body- by running, bike riding, yoga, Pilates. I decided to make a schedule so I would be more likely to stick to (and remember) what I want to be doing. If you're reading this and want to start running or need a workout guide to follow, this would be a great one. I've made things pretty easy for myself! 

1- RUN 3 days a week. I've chosen Tuesday, Thursday, and Saturday but I will move a day up or down if I need to. My starting point is 2 miles. I try to do that distance each time, but I did not start running that entire distance right away and how my body feels during each run determines how much running vs walking I will do that day. I'm a firm believer in the run/walk. It's just easier and there isn't any benefit to non-stop running. For me, I always feel like the first mile is really hard and then once I walk a little and start running again, it isn't too bad. 

2- I'm doing workout videos at home. And by workout videos I mean 10-20 minute (tops) yoga or easy core and stretching videos in the morning or evenings. This is low intensity, easy, fun, and quick! The key is that they are short which means I will actually fit them in and get it done. I'd like to do this every day but I'm trying to do one most days. (Dr. Bri's Vibrant Pelvic Health and Yoga with Adriene are my go-to videos on youtube)

3- I'm trying to walk about 20 minutes every day. This is also a "most" days happening and I was doing much better when the weather was nicer, but I'm still determined to do this as much as possible. 

4- I'm going to start swimming! I signed up for a sprint triathlon in May and swimming is definitely the event I'm most concerned about. We are planning to go swimming at the YMCA on Sunday afternoons so the boys can get some swim time and Luke and I can take turns swimming some laps. 

5- We typically ride our bikes as a family pretty often when the weather is nice. I'll take a break over the winter, but will hopefully get back to it in the spring. I even have a brand new Trek mountain bike to make this even more fun! 

My goal with running is to get the 2 miles down to a point where I don't feel like I'm going to die, and then start running just a little faster. When I started back running, it was at a 12 minute pace and I'm slowly getting a bit faster, but I'd like to get to a 10 minute pace and then hopefully an 8-9 minute pace. Once I get to a 10 minute pace, I would like to start adding a mile to my Saturday runs. 

I hesitate to say this out loud...but I'm looking at my marathon in Fall 2024. I've learned my lesson in making plans though, so I will wait and see what happens. Stillness and Waiting, but in that waiting there is preparing.  

Marathoner

I want to become a marathoner. I’ve been trying to get back into a regular running routine, and I caught myself looking ahead to the end goal of completing a marathon instead of taking it one step at a time.

Our driveway entrance 

It is exactly one mile from the end of our driveway down to the stop sign at the end of our road. I’ve been (slowly) running that 2 miles and anxiously desiring to run it faster and add on more miles. Some days it feels great to get out there and run and other days I have to talk myself into putting one foot in front of the other.

The other day I was on the way back home on the second mile, and my feet felt SO HEAVY, my body felt SLOW, and I just felt tired and unmotivated. I started feeling discouraged that I’ll never run a marathon. It’s been years since I first started! Things keep getting in the way of training! I can’t even run two miles without getting tired! It’s taking too long to get back in shape!

All of that negative thinking was squashed when I remembered that becoming a marathoner isn’t really about running the marathon. Running 26 miles happens at the end of the journey, after all of the training, all of the slow miles, sore feet and blisters, tired bodies that get out and run anyway, sticking to a schedule when it’s too cold, too hot, or you’re just not feeling it, falling down and getting back up, pushing through discomfort, finding motivation to go a little faster and a little further. A marathoner is great because of the hard times during training, when they wanted to give up but didn’t.

I shouldn’t be discouraged when the second mile is hard. It’s not about how hard it is, it’s about what I decide to do when it’s hard. The second mile is just as important as the 26th mile, because I have to master it before I ever get to mile 26. Every marathoner had to start at the beginning. There was a point when mile 2 was hard and they pushed through and kept going until it was easy.

A selfie with Gideon while out for a run

I’m not a marathoner yet, but I’m going to be. It feels a little silly to tell people I’m training for a marathon when I’m struggling on mile 2, but this is the time I get to find out if I have what it takes to keep going or if I’m going to stop. Spoiler alert: I’m not going to stop. It would be fantastic if I am able to run the marathon this year, but there’s no deadline. It will happen when it happens and I’ll keep slowly trucking along until then.

Here is a link to the first blog post I wrote about the marathon I want to run across three countries.

Establish My Steps

One of the reasons I started this blog was to track and share my progress with training for a marathon. It is a goal I have that will hopefully be achieved someday. My progress towards a marathon has been up and down for several years now. This hasn't been something I could set as a goal, work towards, and achieve. Instead, it has been like many other things in my life, something I have planned for, but then the steps to achieve it have been full of twists and turns, often going in the opposite direction! 

My current mantra verse has been Proverbs 16:9. 

I don't know that this verse is teaching that plans are necessarily bad. Perhaps planning is helpful in many ways, preparing us for what is ahead and knowing what we need to get a job completed. However, as much as I make plans, it is the Lord who carries them out (or doesn't) in establishing the path I will take. I'm finding that path does not often lead in the direction I think it will go. More often, it is a winding path with unexpected stops along the way. The sooner I learn to give up control, the easier it will be to walk the path ahead of me. 

My current path involves a whole lot of walking! I've been trying to walk 1-2 miles everyday. Here are some pics: 

My goal for a 5K turned into participating in the Gator Gallop, a 2 mile run/walk in Gainesville, Florida. We drove down last week to South GA and Luke went with my dad, brother, and all of our nephews to hear Lou Holtz speak at a benefit dinner for my old high school. Dad and Luke also got to see the Gators play at The Swamp, while I spent time with sweet friends in Gainesville.

Last Road Trip of the Pregnancy

The snazzy boys before the benefit dinner

Getting ready to walk

Gator Gallop

Dad and Luke ready to enter The Swamp

Luke showing off the Gator Gallop t-shirt

The third trimester is off to a great start. I'm moving slow, but still moving! We have a few weeks to go before we have another ultrasound to check on the complication and see if it has cleared up. We greatly appreciate your prayers!! 

We are taking childbirth classes and preparing to meet our little one. I've found that nesting does not just mean getting ready for the baby by doing "baby prep" type things (setting up the nursery, etc.) but also means cleaning out the entire house of all the junk we don't need. It feels like I couldn't possibly bring home a baby before I have cleared out the coat closet of all the things we don't use in there. I have cleaned out every room and cabinet in our house and rearranged my office a couple of times. Now that those things are finished, I might actually set up the nursery. 👶

God has blessed us so abundantly and we are trusting in him to establish our steps. As we get closer to Baby Baine's arrival I am reminding myself daily to give up my control and simply walk the path that is placed in front of me. 

Parents: What kinds of things did you do to prepare for your baby's arrival?

 

A different kind of marathon

Looks like I won't be running the type of marathon I thought I would anytime soon. Instead, I have a different kind of 9 month marathon ahead of me (6 months at this point). 

Much to our surprise, we are having a baby and we couldn't be more excited! 

Our little family in Denver, CO

Here were my first thoughts on finding out I was pregnant:

"Is that right? Let me check the instructions on the box again. Does it really have two lines??"

"YAY!" Along with tears of JOY!

"Oh man, what have we gotten ourselves into? There's really no turning back now."

The above thoughts are pretty much exactly what I was thinking those first few moments we found out I was pregnant. The main overwhelming emotion was excitement, anxiety, thinking, "it's about time!", and some fear. The first night, I lay in bed for hours unable to fall asleep. I was excited, but really, really scared. My fear wasn't about labor or parenting or the enormity of having a child (I'm sure those fears will come at some point!). Instead, I was afraid it wasn't real or if it was, it wouldn't be for long. I was terrified to wake up and not be pregnant anymore. One of the risks with endometriosis is miscarriage and that first night I could not stop thinking about the possibility of it. Finally, I remembered to turn my thoughts to God and pray (why did it take me until 1:30am to do this?). I don't remember thinking about anything after that, but finally fell asleep.

Everybody loves a baby bump progression, so here we are with barely a bump to see:

4 weeks

One of the positive things about waiting for 3 years to become pregnant is you have a lot of time to do research. I have three books on pregnancy, one that I've already read the first part of, we've interviewed providers (that seems really ridiculous now, but hey, it's already done!), I have about 30 bookmarked pages of lists of things you should do while pregnant, what you should eat, things to register for, everything you wanted to know about breastfeeding and cloth diapers, and a million other topics no one cares about when you aren't pregnant. The first year or so that we tried to get pregnant I researched like a mad woman. This made me pretty depressed the second year and I had to put it all out of sight, but now I'm feeling pretty ahead of the game.
 

8 weeks

I think in the back of my mind (very far back) I held on to the possibility of becoming pregnant, but we had pretty much given up on it. We decided against trying fertility treatments and didn't think we would adopt (we are in no way against those things, it just wasn't for us). Even with my doctor telling me there would be a chance of conceiving since my surgery last August was so successful, I still didn't want to get my hopes up. Luke and I prayed for God to show us his plan for our lives. Maybe there were things we would do that others, who had kids, couldn't easily do. Maybe there were positive things about being childless (yes, there are many!). On one level I resigned myself to not having kids and I could even feel joyful in that, but I knew deep down what my true feelings were because they would creep up on me especially when I saw or read something about someone else's struggle with infertility. Amazingly I never felt sad when others announced their pregnancies and I'm glad I could feel genuinely happy for them. The hardest thing though was knowing how much Luke wanted to be a dad and seeing him with our friend's and family's kids and knowing what an awesome dad he would be! 

11 weeks with a tiny bump

We've made it 15 weeks and I'm breathing easier after hearing Baby Baine's heartbeat and seeing him/her on an ultrasound (5 more weeks until we find out the gender!). Everything is healthy so far! This pregnancy and baby are an absolute miracle! I can't believe how many doctors told me that I would never be able to get pregnant, how sure they were that I needed a hysterectomy, and how none of them knew there was a specialist in Atlanta who would look at my chart and confidently tell me that he could remove every bit of the endo and leave all of my organs intact. We are so thankful to have found Dr. Sinervo, at The Center for Endometriosis Care. My concern at that time was to get back my life, to not be in pain and nausea everyday. The icing on the cake is this miracle baby growing inside me. 




 My goal is to run a 5K in my second trimester. I stopped running in the first trimester because I was tired all the time and feeling nauseous (no change there!) but now I'm feeling less nauseous and a little more energy so I'm determined to get back to running. I went for a run yesterday with Luke and my dad, who is in town for the 4th of July. It felt great!

For all my mom friends out there, what kinds of exercises did you like to do when you were pregnant? I'm doing lots of walking, and a little bit of core and yoga. I'm thinking about finding a pool to do some swimming or pool walking.

Thanks for sharing in our excitement! I spent an entire day on Facebook reading congratulations messages from friends after we posted our announcement. Facebook gets a bad rap, but man it made me so happy to read all of those comments!! Here is our post if you missed it:

Ready to Roll January 2018!

Planning to Run

Some people tell me they hate running. Some people hate running but do it anyway. I don't think I could do it if I didn't love it. Running keeps me sane. However, When I'm running I often need to motivate myself to keep going. I strongly believe that your mind can tell you to give up far before your body gives out. I have a lot of tricks to keep my mind motivated during a run, but the best one is to focus on what is right in front of me. If I think about the entire distance I have to run that day and how much further I have to go, my legs start to feel heavy or it suddenly feels way too hot to be outside running. Instead, I focus on the next thing right in front of me. That might be the actual road at my feet. It might be a dog in a yard or a beautiful tree. When I focus on the distance to the next mailbox or telephone pole, it doesn't seem too far. I can easily make it there. 
  
Sometimes I get ahead of myself in life and I need to apply the same lessons I've learned in running to living. In 2012 I completed a half marathon and I immediately started making bigger plans. Unfortunately, the half marathon was the beginning of the end for me. Let me explain...

   

13.1 is the farthest distance I have ever run. After I finished, I wanted to do something I never thought I would do. If I could run a half marathon, I definitely could run a marathon! I always thought running a marathon was a somewhat idiotic and harmful thing to do to your body. If you are interested in why this is true, check out this article from active.com about the risk of injury and amount of recovery time needed when you run further than 20 miles at one time. I was only going to run ONE, so it had to be a good one. Here is the marathon I found: 

Sparkasse 3-Länder-Marathon

 The Sparkasse 3-Lander Marathon is 26.2 miles through three countries: Germany, Austria, and Switzerland. The picture above is the start line on Lindau island in Germany. The marathon goes around Lake Constance from Germany, through Switzerland, and ending in Bergenz, Austria.

Official 2016 Race Photos from Sparkasse Facebook page

                                  

 

Sounds like a great, beautiful plan to me. I'm excellent at making plans. You might say it is even a matter of pride. I can plan the mess out of something- a trip, a meal, an activity, my life...and I feel more in control that way. If I have a great plan, I have the control. "Pride goes before destruction, a haughty spirit before a fall." Proverbs 16:18. I wasn't prideful in running, I was prideful in making plans for myself.

I told you that finishing a half marathon was the beginning of the end for me. Over the next four years I would struggle with running. I could run some days, but it was just so hard, harder than it should be. Something was wrong. It took time, many doctors, many theories about what was wrong, falling into a deep depression, and feeling a whole lot of pain. It was hard for a reason. In February of this year I had diagnostic laparoscopic surgery and found out I have stage 4 endometriosis.

Brooks PureFlow lightweight running shoes

I have actually learned some lessons in these four years that I hope will stick. God has taught me to let go of my own plans and to trust him with his. He's taught me that I can trust him because he's God and he deserves it. I can also trust him because he loves me. Deeply and unconditionally. I have a goal to run a marathon, but I'm trusting God to lead the way. I don't know what the end looks like, but I know I will make it if I focus on what is right in front of me.

Right now, I'm walking as much as possible. 
In God's time, I'll be running again.