Making Space for Priorities

Since having kids, I've found it harder to manage my time, often feeling an overwhelming sense of busyness and losing track of my priorities. Something Luke and I have found helpful is to figure out our values and priorities together and be intentional with our time. If we aren't intentional, we will quickly fill our schedule with things that aren't even that important. We end up feeling overwhelmed, stressed out, and guilty that we aren't doing other things we know we should be doing. So, on a regular basis we get together to re-assess our time and our activities. There are a few steps to this: 

1. Figure out your values and priorities. (Keep reading for an idea on how to do this!)

2. Figure out an action plan to put those priorities first in your life and in your schedule.

 
3. What do you do if you work full time, have little kids to care for, and really have zero time left for anything else? Keep reading! 

Let's tackle #3 first! If that one resonates with you, then you need to be encouraged first. There are times in our lives when we can do all of the things and there are other times when we have to be ok with letting some things go. 

Let go of the guilt, let go of the pressure, let go of the dream (temporarily), let go of the things that really aren't that important. 

But what about the things that are important? Sometimes we feel like we are only doing things that are important and we are barely keeping our head above water. I can't quit my job, my kids need me, my marriage is struggling, I'm not getting enough sleep, I have to take care of the house and the people in it! I'm not going to be that person that tells you to let go of the laundry and dishes...that's so annoying! You have to dress your kids in something clean at some point and you have to eat everyday, multiple times a day! 

If this is where you are: First, you still should do #1 on the list above and figure out your priorities. This is so important for knowing what to put first and what to let go of. BUT if you are in the #3 category, your action plan will look a little different. 

Basically, your action plan is: do what is in front of you. That's it. Do your job, take care of your kids, focus on the important relationships in your life. I hope for your sake that this is a temporary time for you. I know that some are given more to handle than others, but temporary or not, I have a great book to recommend and a great piece of advice. 

Here is the book: It's called In the Midst of Chaos by: Bonnie J. Miller-McLemore. Here is a description of the book from Amazon:

"In the Midst of Chaos reveals what it takes to find the spiritual wisdom in the messy, familial ways of living. By rethinking parenting as an invitation to discover God in the middle of our busy and overstuffed lives, it relieves parents of the burden of being the all-knowing authority figures who impart spiritual knowledge to children. Finding spirituality in family activities such as reading bedtime stories, dividing household chores, and playing games can empower parents to notice what they are already doing as potentially valuable and to practice it more consciously as part of their own faith journey."

Go grab the Kindle version because goodness knows you don't have time to sit down and read a book, but you can pull up Kindle on your phone when you are in line waiting or have some small moment of downtime. I love e-books because I can get them from our library and read them when I'm putting my boys to bed or have a few minutes waiting out in the world.

This book really encouraged me to stop worrying about what my Bible study and prayer time looks like. At this time in my life it doesn't look like long, in-depth studies or quiet time away from my kids. It does look like reading one short Bible chapter on my phone when I first wake up in the morning and praying with my kids throughout the day. It has also changed my perspective on worship and I try to be intentional about demonstrating worship with my kids throughout our day. The key to this is being intentional, but we can sing, dance, pray, and just talk about God anywhere we are and in whatever we are currently doing.

Here is the advice: In Michelle Obama's book, Becoming, (which I read on Kindle), she talks about when her children were little, she began to feel resentful of her husband for working out or doing something for himself, while she felt like she was taking care of the kids, house, everyone, and didn't have time to do those things for herself. She realized that feeling resentful wasn't helping her at all and certainly wasn't helping her relationship with her husband, so she decided if something was important for her, she had to figure out a way to make it happen. I think this is great advice. When it comes to working out some ideas might include: joining a gym with childcare, taking your kids with you (bike trailers or double strollers are a great workout!), go for a run while your spouse is still home in the morning (and it's cooler outside!), take advantage of quick YouTube videos online (they are free and your kids will see you setting a great example for them-although they might crawl all over/under you and that can be super annoying...I mean, adorable...). It comes down to making it a priority and making it happen for yourself. 

So, Step 1: how do you figure out your priorities? 

Pray about this before you get started. Ask God to bring to mind activities that are important and where he wants you to spend your time. How you spend your time says a lot about your values. Are there specific values you have as a family? 

Here's an exercise you can try: Get a piece of paper and divide it up into different categories that represent how you spend (or want to spend) your time. Ideas could be: Spiritual, Community, Friends, Family, Exercise, Food, Health, Marriage, Kid's Activities, Hobbies, Fun, Travel, Volunteering, Giving, Work

Here is an example with priorities from mine: 

Under each category, write in things that are important to you. Include anything and everything! On mine I put everything from praying over my kids at bedtime to finding time to take a shower! I put a lot more under each category on mine but wanted to give some ideas in the example above. Include things that are important to your whole family. Include things that you have to do (like grocery shopping) because it needs to be on your schedule even if it isn't the most enjoyable activity. Include things you WANT to do but aren't doing yet. 

Step 2, flip the paper over and write out your week. Grab a pencil for this so you can erase some things! Write in the activities you HAVE to do each day. Then write in everything else you do each day. Be specific. Look at your priority list and check off anything that you already have on your schedule. Look back at your schedule and take a good look at any of things on there that aren't on your priority list. Do they need to be on your schedule? Can you let them go? What is your motivation behind some of the things on your calendar? If it isn't a priority and isn't something you have to do (like go to work) ERASE IT! What about things that are GOOD things like volunteer work or a Bible study, or an activity your child is involved with? Check your priority list! Did you write down a specific place you want to do volunteer work? Then, it's probably a priority and you should keep it. If you didn't? ERASE IT! Stop letting guilt, pressure, or any other motivation run your schedule and keep you busy. 

When something comes up that you have an opportunity to participate in, pull out your list and pray over it. Does it match up with your priorities or do you need to pass? 

One of our priorities has been trying to find ways to build friendships and community. Honestly, it's been a struggle. I think it's hard for adults to build friendships. We are all too busy and if we aren't being intentional about building relationships with others, it just isn't going to happen. Something we have started doing is inviting people over on Sunday evenings for "BYOD" - Bring Your Own Dinner. If the weather cooperates we eat outside on picnic tables and the kids all play in the sandbox and ride bikes. I don't clean my house and I only make dinner for my own family (which I was going to do anyway). We don't meet every week and people can come when they are able. It's been a way for us to take the priority we have of building community and make it happen as best we can. Low commitment and very little prep make it pretty stress-free.

One last thing, since this is a blog about running a marathon. How is that going??? For about a year I've stuck to a pretty consistent schedule of running each week. I'm working on adding more time for stretching and core workouts. The past month or so has been less consistent because it's been miserably hot, but also I've been exhausted because life is throwing some junk at us right now. It doesn't change my priorities, but sometimes we just have to be patient and ok with stepping back and focusing on what is in front of us. I think what I've learned from all of these steps backward is to keep moving my feet forwards. In other words, just because I missed a run or two, I'm still going to get out and run the next time I am able. As long as it is a priority for me, I'll keep looking for ways to get it done.

I did accomplish a pretty huge goal this summer so I'll leave you with some pictures from a sprint triathlon I did in Nashville. It was a lot of fun, but I'm not eager to do another one! I did discover that I enjoy swimming. I've always enjoyed running and riding my bike, but all together? No thanks...

So much stuff to bring!

Transition by the Parthenon made a fantastic view 

I did it!

And I got the t-shirt!

Post-Partum Depression

This post makes me feel vulnerable but recently someone shared a fantastic phrase with me: 

"Recover loudly so that others don't continue to suffer silently." 

I completely agree with this because when you hear that others are going through something similar, it makes it easier. I believe one of Satan's greatest tools is making us feel isolated and alone. It has taken me some time to share this because it takes having something behind you to be able to see the big picture. After Luca was born, I struggled for a long time with post-partum depression. Every appointment that I filled out the post-partum depression "quiz", I would fail it. Our amazing pediatrician called me at home after one of our appointments to check in on me. (Dr. Katie Pegram-Premier Medical Group-she's the best!) It was recommended that I take anti-depressants, and I refused to take them. I had my reasons, but looking back, I believe I could have saved myself a lot of difficulty if I had decided to take them or gotten more help. 

Depression was a mountain that I just couldn't get over on my own. Trying to tackle it on my own was like deciding to climb the very steepest side of the mountain. As I climbed, I skinned my knees and continued to fall. I bloodied my knuckles as I grasped for the next rock to hold onto. Sweat dripped, tears ran down my face, I screamed, I cried. Fortunately, I made it to the top. But when I looked down the other side of the mountain, I saw a winding, gradual staircase. Yes, I made it to the top, but I think if I had gotten help and decided to take anti-depressants or go talk to a therapist, I could have climbed the staircase. It still would have been a mountain and it still would have been difficult, but so much easier.

I did make some good choices to TAKE CARE OF MYSELF. I tried my best to eat good, nutritious food, rest, do something enjoyable, SLEEP, take a shower. I felt a lot of pressure (from myself) to run again. Running has always lifted my mood when I'm feeling down or out of sorts. Running releases all those "feel good" chemicals in your brain. It also gives my introvert self time alone to organize my thoughts, be present in my surroundings, and listen to God. I also have a pretty huge goal of running a marathon and it felt very far away when I was not running at all. It took me a really long time to start feeling better. As I started getting more sleep and was able to workout and then run again, my thoughts became less jumbled and I finally feel like post-partum depression is behind me. 

I've been running again for several months now and I'm not saying this is the only way for God to speak, but he sure seems to speak to me through running. Possibly it is the quiet, alone space with him where I can hear him best. I want to share some things he has been teaching me in the interest of recovering loudly, so that others don't have to suffer silently. 

As I battled post-partum depression, I continued to just try to power through it. This might sound stupid, but it's real easy to convince yourself that you can just power through. For one thing, I was really happy sometimes. I was really happy for long stretches of time. This is confusing and makes you think you aren't really depressed. The truth is that you can be happy and still have post-partum depression. 

Lie #1: If I was really depressed I would feel bad all the time. 

I also am very bad about comparing myself to others. I thought that because my situation wasn't as bad as other people, it wasn't as valid. I had some crazy thoughts ya'll. I said some crazy things. I still managed to convince myself that because other people might have thought or said or done crazier things, I was probably fine. Another lie. 

Lie #2: I'm not as depressed as others so it's not really a big deal. 

Months go by and it turns into a year, months continue to go by and there are times I feel much better, but there are other times I feel even worse. But is this still considered post-partum? Maybe I'm just sleep deprived. Maybe I'm just trying to balance too much. I have all the excuses. 

Lie #3: It's not post-partum depression because I'm not even "post-partum" anymore.

That last one sounds so silly. Technically post-partum is anytime after pregnancy and post-partum depression can last for months or years if you go without treatment. I don't recommend going without treatment, and I would take a strong bet that I'm not even close to the only one who has tried to power through and make up excuses instead of seeking help. 

For me, it has been time and support that has finally gotten me through it. If any of the above sounds familiar, please get the help you need, not just for yourself but for the sake of your family. If you want to stay away from anti-depressants, at least go talk to a therapist, get together with other moms, get time to yourself to SLEEP and SHOWER! Eat food that you know will make your body feel good. 

You probably know what you need: you just have to make it happen so that you can get what you need. 

It is frustrating to want your body or mind to do something that you just can't make it do. Be kind to yourself. Give yourself time. Don't compare yourself to others. Figure out what YOU need and make it happen. 

God continues to work on me, moment by moment, day by day. I believe if we seek God and his will, he will reveal it to us. Sometimes God only gives us bits and pieces at a time. That may be because he wants us to be obedient with the first piece before he'll reveal the full picture. Or maybe he only gives us the first piece because that is all we can handle right now. The first piece may be what will prepare us for the next piece. 

God has been nudging me to simply spend time with him. No long, in-depth Bible studies or pressure to devote huge amounts of time to something. Just quiet time with him. It sounds so simple, but has been enormously hard. Just sit and be quiet, alone. Just listen and don't talk, don't think, don't stress. 

I believe this first piece is unfolding what he has next. 

Being able to run is a huge blessing in my life. It gives me that time alone with God, time to organize my thoughts, and it is slowly but surely getting me back into shape. I have to keep up with two little wild boys somehow. 

Stillness and Waiting

When you are writing a blog about running, there isn't much to say when you aren't running very often. I've thought several times about doing some kind of update, but the words just don't sort themselves out when I sit down to write. There is something about being out for a run that helps me organize my thoughts and hear more clearly what God is speaking into my life. Lately, he has been directing my mind to the concept of stillness and waiting. For the past couple of years, Luke and I have lived out some of the most joyful moments, filled with laughter and love, but like many others, the year 2020 ushered in anxiety, depression, questioning, loss of community, and it has been difficult to pull ourselves out of that space. 

Lately, as God shows me the importance of stillness and waiting, I'm trying to become less impatient in getting my life to be or look a certain way. I'm also trying to prioritize what is important to me and get rid of the things that aren't. 

One of those priorities is moving my body- by running, bike riding, yoga, Pilates. I decided to make a schedule so I would be more likely to stick to (and remember) what I want to be doing. If you're reading this and want to start running or need a workout guide to follow, this would be a great one. I've made things pretty easy for myself! 

1- RUN 3 days a week. I've chosen Tuesday, Thursday, and Saturday but I will move a day up or down if I need to. My starting point is 2 miles. I try to do that distance each time, but I did not start running that entire distance right away and how my body feels during each run determines how much running vs walking I will do that day. I'm a firm believer in the run/walk. It's just easier and there isn't any benefit to non-stop running. For me, I always feel like the first mile is really hard and then once I walk a little and start running again, it isn't too bad. 

2- I'm doing workout videos at home. And by workout videos I mean 10-20 minute (tops) yoga or easy core and stretching videos in the morning or evenings. This is low intensity, easy, fun, and quick! The key is that they are short which means I will actually fit them in and get it done. I'd like to do this every day but I'm trying to do one most days. (Dr. Bri's Vibrant Pelvic Health and Yoga with Adriene are my go-to videos on youtube)

3- I'm trying to walk about 20 minutes every day. This is also a "most" days happening and I was doing much better when the weather was nicer, but I'm still determined to do this as much as possible. 

4- I'm going to start swimming! I signed up for a sprint triathlon in May and swimming is definitely the event I'm most concerned about. We are planning to go swimming at the YMCA on Sunday afternoons so the boys can get some swim time and Luke and I can take turns swimming some laps. 

5- We typically ride our bikes as a family pretty often when the weather is nice. I'll take a break over the winter, but will hopefully get back to it in the spring. I even have a brand new Trek mountain bike to make this even more fun! 

My goal with running is to get the 2 miles down to a point where I don't feel like I'm going to die, and then start running just a little faster. When I started back running, it was at a 12 minute pace and I'm slowly getting a bit faster, but I'd like to get to a 10 minute pace and then hopefully an 8-9 minute pace. Once I get to a 10 minute pace, I would like to start adding a mile to my Saturday runs. 

I hesitate to say this out loud...but I'm looking at my marathon in Fall 2024. I've learned my lesson in making plans though, so I will wait and see what happens. Stillness and Waiting, but in that waiting there is preparing.  

Testing 1, 2, 3

I've heard people say to give yourself at least 9 months to get "back to normal" after having a baby. I understand where this is coming from because so many of us are anxious to get back into those pre-pregnancy jeans and pre-pregnancy workouts, but for many of us, 9 months is still way too quick. Luca is a little over a year old and I'm just starting to feel ready to run again. I've been doing exercises my physical therapist recommended to strengthen my pelvic floor and core. They are both so weak and I have diastasis recti (my abdominal muscles haven't joined back together). I thought I would jump back into doing videos at home. After I had Gideon, I would do a quick workout video while dinner was cooking or with him crawling all over me. My gal at FemFusion fitness (who is also a pelvic health physical therapist) has an incredible selection of workout videos that are all safe for pelvic floor prolapse and diastasis recti. Two kids is such a game changer. I haven't had time to do many videos and I found myself skipping exercises that were down on the floor. I made a list of exercises I could do all standing up. For whatever reason, that made it so much easier to fit them in during the day. I also wrote the list on a marker board on our wall so that it was staring at me all day.

In addition to daily walks, here is my list: 

1. W stretch: The Most Famous Physical Therapists on the Internet demonstrate this stretch in the video below. If you haven't watched them, they are pretty funny and have great stretches and exercise videos on youtube.

2. Hip Circles: I've talked about this one before from FemFusion fitness:

3. Calf Raises: The goal is not to hold on to something for balance but when I first started doing these I definitely held on! 10 on each side. 

 4. Squats with Luca and Gideon: They love this! 30 squats holding Luca or Gideon. Keep your knees behind your toes. 

 5. 5 deep breaths: Maybe not an "exercise" but just as important! Take time each day for belly breaths-at least 5! A deep belly breath can completely change how I feel at any given moment. 

6. Deep squat: This is sitting in a deep "baby" squat with your feet flat on the floor. I try to sit this way when I'm getting down on the floor with the boys. I've worked really hard to be able to sit like this. When I first started, I couldn't get my feet flat on the floor and I couldn't hold the position for very long. Yoga with Adrienne demonstrates the deep squat in this "yummy" video.

7. Side leg lifts: This is standing and lifting your leg straight out to the side. Works the hip muscles. 10 each side. 

8. Knee raises: This is just lifting your knee straight up to your chest. 10 on each side. 

9. Knee to elbow: This one is lifting your knee up to the side and touching your elbow. 10 on each side. 

10. Kegels: Not too few, not too much. I don't know why these are so hard to do. Half the battle is just learning where these muscles are located and how to activate them. The other big deal is learning how to fully release and relax them. Does anyone else hate doing these? I really don't do them often...which is why my pelvic floor is so weak! I'm much more likely to do them when following a video or guided routine. I've posted it before, but FemFusion has "Kegel Camp" and it explains how to do these correctly and then guides you through a series of videos.

That's it! I've been doing these every day or every other day along with one more exercise that is on the floor called "prance". It's laying on your back with your knees bent and lifting and lowering one leg at a time. The key is to brace your core and not let your belly pooch out. This is the best exercise for diastasis recti and there are different levels as you grow stronger with it. These exercises are where I started to get ready to get back into running. I finally went on my first run on Memorial Day! A one mile "test" to see how everything felt.

It felt great! I felt a little weak around my middle (core) so I know I still have a lot of work to do. I took it really easy and ran half a mile, walked, and then ran another half a mile. It helped that the weather was surprisingly cool and I was in Dasher where everything is flat. The success of the test mile got me excited to attempt a 5K today. Probably a bit ambitious, but it was the Parkrun 5K in Oak Grove. They do a timed 5K every Saturday and this was the first Saturday back after COVID. It was great to get out and run with RWB and other runner friends. Luca came with me and enjoyed his ride in the stroller. I ended up just doing 2 miles. I ran most of one mile and walked most of the second. It was HOT, but I was happy to be out running again! Hopefully this means more blog posts are in the near future as well.

The Story of Baby Luca

I would describe Luca's arrival into the world as both agonizingly slow and suddenly very fast. About a week before his due date I started having prodromal labor. Every night I would wake up in the middle of the night with contractions that would become pretty regular but never were very intense. Sometimes I could fall back to sleep, but usually, either because of discomfort or anticipation, I would get up and move around thinking, "this might be it!" Several times I went for a walk outside around 3 am, and every time the contractions would die down and I would go about my day still pregnant.    

The day before my due date I started having contractions that evening and they lasted ALL NIGHT. Still not very intense but I started getting excited that this was different and maybe Luca was ready to make his arrival! We called the midwife and she told us to head down to the birth center. We took our time gathering our things, making arrangements for Gideon, and driving down to Nashville. This leisurely drive was completely different from Gideon's labor day...

Gideon was born a little over a week before his due date. I wasn't expecting him that early so when my water broke that morning I was actually unsure of what was happening. I wasn't having contractions so I took a shower and went for a walk around the neighborhood. That's when the contractions started and I knew this was it! They were manageable and coming regularly so we called the midwife and let her know. She gave us a plan to come down when they were happening more regularly for about an hour. We thought we had lots of time to get everything together and wrap up last minute things. The contractions started to get more intense and then...I threw up. I looked at Luke and told him, "I can't do this." We thought we were still early on in labor, but I actually was going through transition and getting ready to push. I told Luke we needed to go to the hospital, NOW.

We drove the hour to Nashville and because they were doing construction at Vanderbilt we had to park what felt like miles away, but probably wasn't as far as it felt at the time. We walked from the parking garage to labor and delivery and I stopped every so often to lean against the wall and get through a contraction. We arrived at the Labor and Delivery front desk and the nurse called the midwife. She said, "Your patient is here, and she looks very uncomfortable." The midwife asked if I was ready to push...I was trying not to push in the car, so yes, I was ready!

The support I received from Luke, the midwife, the nurse...they were all fantastic. Gideon came into the world quietly, which apparently is not a great thing. They placed him on my belly and I remember just soaking in his sweet little body while they vigorously rubbed him with a blanket trying to get him to cry. He was breathing, but they wanted him to yell and get those lungs open. The beauty of being at Vanderbilt was how quickly the NICU team was able to arrive and take care of him. I don't know if someone pinched him or what, but eventually he was hollering and they left the room. Gideon has been a happy kid, even from birth.

Luca, however, tested my patience in drawing out labor night after night, so when the midwife suggested they break my water, I was more than ready. I was progressing but my contractions just kept starting and stopping. It was maddening. I was so ready for him to arrive and so ready to not be pregnant any more!! Luke and I had spent the day walking West End in Nashville, getting food from a local coffee shop, taking a nap back at the birth center, doing the "Miles Circuit" to try to speed labor along. All of this during the COVID pandemic. It was actually quite a pleasant day spending time together just the two of us, but that afternoon I was ready for things to move along. They broke my water at 6:00pm and Luca was in my arms at 8:50pm.

Our Baby + Co Suite

Taking a nap before Luca arrives

Baby+Co has beautiful birth suites with queen size beds, large showers, and birthing tubs. I did not want to have a water birth but was able to labor in the tub which made a huge difference when the contractions got more intense. When I told the midwife I was about to throw up, she said I better go ahead and get out of the tub unless I changed my mind about having a water birth. I think I pushed for about 20 minutes and right when I thought I was almost done, I heard the midwife make a call and she was talking to 911. She was coaching me though pushing, my nurse was encouraging me, and Luke was right there holding my hand and cheering me on, but something in the room changed and the calm encouragement took on an urgency to push the baby out right now! 

Luca had shoulder dystocia and he was stuck behind my pubic bone. His head was out which was why I felt the finish line was so close, but he wasn't coming the rest of the way. It all happened very quickly and hearing the midwife talk to the 911 operator was terrifying. Later, Luke and I said we both thought we lost Luca. The midwife and nurse took action and had me get onto my hands and knees and then flip back over. This is called the Gaskin maneuver, named for Ina May Gaskin, an amazing midwife who lives/works right here in Middle Tennessee. The nurse pushed on my belly while I pushed as hard as I possibly could and I'm pretty sure the midwife reached in and pulled him out! He was screaming his head off. No worries about his lungs! We are so very thankful that everything turned out fine. Luca was a bit bruised but otherwise he was perfect. We were able to send the paramedics packing-we didn't need them at all.

Our midwife knew exactly what to do and I am very thankful she was there to take care of us. We brought Luca home the next morning. Gideon was absolutely thrilled and it was very sweet to watch them meet one another. 

 
I am so happy to be done being pregnant. Not just because I have my sweet baby. I'm happy to be able to walk and not waddle, to sleep in any position I want, to pick up Gideon and hold him on my lap. 

I gained A LOT of weight with Luca, but I'm very slowly getting back into shape by walking a ton, doing simple and safe exercises, and eating good food! I'm also trying to get as much sleep as possible, but discussions about sleep are fighting words in our house right now. We are obsessed with sleep. It is one of the most important things for our health and brain function, yet so hard to get enough when you have a newborn and toddler in the house. It's just mean to talk to a new mom about sleep, yet people always want to ask how your baby is sleeping. Just stop asking this, ok? Put it on the list along with asking people when/if they'll have another baby. Just shush people. 

I definitely feel like I'm starting over again with marathon training. I saw a physical therapist for a few sessions and have some great exercises to work on getting my body ready to run. This website has a great article and checklist to determine if you are ready to run postpartum: Ready to Run?  

I also have to share a couple of resources from my fave, FemFusion Fitness:

Here is a great podcast for new moms about prolapse.

And this is Kegel Camp! A YouTube series to learn to gradually strengthen your pelvic floor.

I remember with Gideon I felt this same contradiction of feeling like my body was fat, sore, tired, weak...but at the same time feeling like I was super mom-I pushed giant babies out of me-I can do anything! It’s going to be baby steps, but I’ll get back to running eventually. Right now I’m building a strong foundation and I’m trying not to give myself a timeline but just keep one foot in front of the other and when given the opportunity, take a nap!

Marathoner

I want to become a marathoner. I’ve been trying to get back into a regular running routine, and I caught myself looking ahead to the end goal of completing a marathon instead of taking it one step at a time.

Our driveway entrance 

It is exactly one mile from the end of our driveway down to the stop sign at the end of our road. I’ve been (slowly) running that 2 miles and anxiously desiring to run it faster and add on more miles. Some days it feels great to get out there and run and other days I have to talk myself into putting one foot in front of the other.

The other day I was on the way back home on the second mile, and my feet felt SO HEAVY, my body felt SLOW, and I just felt tired and unmotivated. I started feeling discouraged that I’ll never run a marathon. It’s been years since I first started! Things keep getting in the way of training! I can’t even run two miles without getting tired! It’s taking too long to get back in shape!

All of that negative thinking was squashed when I remembered that becoming a marathoner isn’t really about running the marathon. Running 26 miles happens at the end of the journey, after all of the training, all of the slow miles, sore feet and blisters, tired bodies that get out and run anyway, sticking to a schedule when it’s too cold, too hot, or you’re just not feeling it, falling down and getting back up, pushing through discomfort, finding motivation to go a little faster and a little further. A marathoner is great because of the hard times during training, when they wanted to give up but didn’t.

I shouldn’t be discouraged when the second mile is hard. It’s not about how hard it is, it’s about what I decide to do when it’s hard. The second mile is just as important as the 26th mile, because I have to master it before I ever get to mile 26. Every marathoner had to start at the beginning. There was a point when mile 2 was hard and they pushed through and kept going until it was easy.

A selfie with Gideon while out for a run

I’m not a marathoner yet, but I’m going to be. It feels a little silly to tell people I’m training for a marathon when I’m struggling on mile 2, but this is the time I get to find out if I have what it takes to keep going or if I’m going to stop. Spoiler alert: I’m not going to stop. It would be fantastic if I am able to run the marathon this year, but there’s no deadline. It will happen when it happens and I’ll keep slowly trucking along until then.

Here is a link to the first blog post I wrote about the marathon I want to run across three countries.

Home Sick

I often wish I could call up my mom and just chat. She never minded listening to me run through my day. I usually didn’t have anything exciting to share, just the mundane details that helped me sort through problems big and small.

Mom and Dad and I

After she died I spent time in counseling and trudged slowly and painfully through the grief process. Over time it got easier, not because I missed her less but because her memory could bring me more joy than sadness.

I have mourned the loss of my mother, but recently she has been on my mind and I’ve found myself easily in tears. I couldn’t figure out why my grief felt so fresh until I realized each time she came to mind I wished she was here to see something Gideon was doing or to ask for her advice. I was missing her as his grandmother.

Grandmommy with her Jackson Grandkids

As his first birthday was approaching, I wanted to do something to honor her and help feel like part of her was here with us. In our family, we show love to one another by gathering together to eat good food. I could most often find my mom in the kitchen cooking delicious meals from scratch, baking treats, and giving advice (or just listening) to whoever happened to be sitting across the counter from her on one of the kitchen stools. My mom always baked me a lemon meringue pie for special occasions or when I came home to visit. Typically any dessert I consume needs to have chocolate, the more the better, but my favorite pie is my mom’s lemon meringue.

Mom's Lemon Meringue Pie Recipe

I’ve never made it before. On her recipe, my mom wrote,

"This pie was Mama's favorite. She would always tell me Daddy liked it and cherry pie the best. After he died she told me she said he liked it so I would make it. I guess she didn't know I was making it for her too. After she died it was a long time before I could make it even though it is my favorite too. :)"

Lemon meringue is a fairly difficult pie to make. The fear of burnt or soggy meringue held me back from attempting it before. The success of the pie was in direct correlation to showing honor to my mom's memory. I could not screw it up!

Mom's Recipe for the Pie Crust and Meringue

For Gideon's birthday I baked him a small "smash" cake, some cupcakes for the adults to have a taste of his birthday cake, a fudge pie, a chocolate pecan pie, AND mom's lemon meringue pie! It turned out perfectly.

Lemon Meringue Pie

Gideon enjoyed his cake too!

Banana and Applesauce Cake with Sweet Potato Icing

Gideon digs in!

This is a joyous, exciting time in our lives and it doesn't feel right to be so sad in the midst of so much happy. We are incredibly blessed, but grief and loss is still there. Losing a parent is huge. Realizing you've also lost your child's grandparent is an extra gut punch. It's consoling to do little things that honor her memory. With mom, it is so easy because she gave us so much. Gideon learns about Grandmommy everyday as he reads her books, points to her story book animals in his room, looks at her pictures, eats her recipes, and hears stories about her. One of my favorite stories is this:

Mom cutting Queen Anne's Lace on the side of the road

Mom's dad, Morris Hoover, or "Pa" was Canadian. He left Canada and traveled across the U.S. often riding in train cars to get from one point to the next. He made his way down to Florida to a little town called Cedar Key where my Granny, Eudora Boothby, lived. As he was walking down the road he saw Eudora picking flowers (Queen Anne's Lace) on the side of the road and they began talking and that is how they met one another. When Pa died, they put Queen Anne's Lace in his casket with him. My mom loved all kinds of flowers. Her favorites were roses and Queen Anne's Lace. I remember so many times when she would stop on the side of the road, jump out with her scissors and cut a bunch of Queen Anne's Lace. We often had to share the car with flowers and plant cuttings stuck in a cup of water. Mom loved to garden and had varieties of plants from all over where she made cuttings and brought them home. She was a hard worker and a selfless giver, but she enjoyed the love and laughter of family, the creature comforts of yummy food and a good book, and the beauty of God's creation around her.

Monarchs on mom's front porch

One of my favorite quotes of hers, "I always think of butterflies as God's flowers on wings."

I miss you so much mom, but I am so very thankful for all I get to share with my little one because of you.